Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sublimefortune's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 16th, 2005
4:19 pm	My new name.... KIM DUMADI K is for Kind I is for Influential M is for Misunderstood is for D is for Dramatic U is for Upbeat M is for Mesmerizing A is for Amorous D is for Dedicated I is for Irresistible What Does Your Name Mean? Current Mood: GIT R DONE Current Music: Billy Idol (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
11:03 am	check this out...stole it from a friends LJ... Your Birthdate: August 2 Your birth on the 2nd day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your life. The 2 is a very social number allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are more prone than most to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. What Does Your Birth Date Mean? Current Mood: all wickies need to return!! Current Music: IRON MAIDEN ~seventh sun of the seventh sun album (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
2:54 pm	blah..tired... Man it seems as though the summer had gone by fast..all but these last few days...what a bummer that they have been going sooooo slow.... Even though I am not ready for the fall semester, I do wish that the days would pick up speed just a little bit. I miss my hubby!!! I know that it is just because I have had a lot of time think because I havent been doign anything after work and usually do not go to bed til like 11, so the six hours in between are usually spent thinking...and missing my baby...even though he is a little mad at me right now...I love him very much and miss him...I am such a toad! anywho..not much has changed since the last time we talked. I'm still a married woman, thanks to all of you showing your support! (miche, liz, hoebag, and theresa) btw theresa, how are your wedding plans going? are you insane yet? I have really started watching what I eat and I've actually stuck to it too. I know that I really need to loose some weight..no only to feel comfortable with myself, but also to feel healthy. Harry loves me just the way I am, but I'm not sure that I do...so, I'm working on it...trying to loose some weight..it will take time..but I know I can do it..as long as I stick to it!! I am all moved into the townhouse and eagerly wait the arrival of my two house mates. The house gets big and lonely with no one to be there with me :-(....everyone and anyone are welcome to come visit me anytime too!!!!! Tomorrow is my last day down here at the cltt, as I make my triumphant return to the tsc Thursday morning. The couple of days after that will be really busy because of freshman distribution...but it should be fun.. Tomorrow night I am going to make dinner for a friend and one of his friends. I'm making pot roast..yummy!!! Fresh veggies and potatoes and the such....yummm yummm! I just hope that there will not be much leftovers...I already got spaghetti in the fridge from my dinner date with the hubby last week. Anyways, I think that this is all that is going on in my life right now. Talk to you all soon, Kim Current Mood: Aku rindu padamu suami-ku Current Music: Billy Idol's Greatest Hits...'rock the cadle of love' (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
4:40 pm	no more dating for me... I tell you what..I am so sick of the dating scene...what a bunch of crappola.. Dating is for the birds and the trees.... I'M DONE WITH IT....no more for me... p.s. I NO LONGER DATE...CUZ I'M MARRIED.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....MRS. KIMBERLY DUMADI....THANK YOU VERY MUCH! NOW ON WITH MY LIFE! Current Mood: excited (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
1:28 pm	update... Yah, so i think that it has been a while. So, here is an update of my life... Things with harry are going wonderfully. He is such a great guy, I am so happy that I met him so long ago and that he decided to move up this way so that I could be with him. He is just so great. My mother thinks that I have no insurance on my car, when infact I do. I just do not have all of the insurance that is needed. I have liability and that is it, no collision or comprehension, which i do need. I got to get that fixed asap. Today was the first time that I had a conversation with my mother that lasted more than two seconds. I did not like it at all. There is just so much tension there, and I hate it...I cannot stand it. Anyway, I'm still working hard at the CLTT in the library. For the next two weeks I am going to be the only person in the office. It is only monday, and all ready I am going crazy. I hope that the rest of the two weeks is not the same. I have a lot to do, and feel like I have little time to do it in. Well I guess that is life tho. There is nothing I can do about it. It is hotter than the blue blazes of hell around here, and the jackoff fan I got in the window is not doing too much for me and my sweatty body. This is like the third heat wave that we have had this summer... I just do not understand weather, I wish it would make up its mind. So I just heard yesterday that my best friend from back home is getting married. This is quite a surprise to me, I did not think that he had it in him to settle down with one person. I have heard that she is a good person though, so I guess I could say that I am happy for him. I wish that he would have gotten out of that hell hole that is called Pulteney, NY, but there is nothing I can do for him, it is his life and his life decisions, not mine. p.s. call me sometime butt dart! Anywho, I guess that that is all I have for you guys for now...same old same old around here. Kim Current Mood: calm Current Music: Bon Jovi!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
3:02 pm	holy molies has it been forever!!!! Ok so it has really been forever since I have updated this thing, but let me tell, I had one hell of a busy last month of school. There was a lot of work that I had to get caught up on in order to end the semester with grades that were what I thought would be somewhat good. All that hard work paid off in the end. I ended up with 2 -A's, A, B+ and B. For juggling five courses and three parttime jobs, I thought that was a pretty good outcome. In the mean time, my truck was taken away, so I had to find a new vehicle to drive, because it is absolutely necessary that I have transpartation, not only to get down town, but also to get to Newburgh so that I can see my baby. Anywho, so I had to scramble around and get a new car and after about a week and a half's worth of bullshit, I finally got my new car. It is a 2005 dodge neon sxt, it is a pretty sporty looking car, I think that I really like it. It got approval from the man (aka Heru) too..so I am totally excited! At first he did not think that he would like it, but you know what, I think that he likes it just as much as I do. Again, very excited. Summer has started and so hasnt my summer jobs. I started right after labor day at the CLTT in the Library of Hartwick College. During the year I work at the Tech Desk up in Clark Hall, and the CLTT is like the helpdesk, only on the second floor of the library. I like the job, it really isnt all that shabby. I work there Mon-Fri 9-5. My other job is closing nights at the southside BK. Thats right, I am working at Burger King, and you know what, it really isnt that bad of a job. A lot of people have these preconceived notions about working at a fastfood restaurant and the people that work there. I really do not believe that all of those notions are true. I happen to really like the job. Yes I am closing, and yes, that is a lot of cleaning and that kind of thing, but it is not that hard of a job and I happen to enjoy the people that I work with. Most of them are good workers as long as you keep them in line. The only time that I dont like the job at BK is when the whole place is ran by a bunch of teenagers, sometimes they can get a bit out of control and I think it is just their maturity levels. Other than that, the job is great and if we are good, we get plenty of breaks during our shifts. I am working the drive-thru everynight, so any of you locals out there, matthew and melody, jack and linz, steve and leslie, come on through the drive-thru and I will hook you up. Make sure you come later in the evening too. I work closing shift all week Fri-Tues, usually starting either at 6pm or 7pm. Sun-Thurs we close at 12, Fri-Sat we close at 1am. So get on down here, even if you just order a drink, and remember to say hi to me. Ok, so that is an update on my life and I am writing this while I am at work, so I best be getting back at it. see you some other time, Kim Current Mood: getting the work done! Current Music: Sublime (Comment on this)
Monday, April 18th, 2005
12:22 pm	work work work work... So i spent the entire weekend doing homework and you know what...i am not even close to getting the work done, how rediculous is that? So my mom has gotten into this habit of waking me up at the ass crack of dawn because she feels as though everyone should be up at this time, and I dont like it. I think that I am going to start shutting the ringer off on my phone, screning my cell phone calls and muting my computer. I mean seriously, with the work that I do, sometimes I dont get to bed until like 2am, and my mother expects me to get up at 7 or 8am and i shouldnt be mad that she is waking me up that early. anywho.. so all of this work i'm doing, i think that it is crazy.. but i know that it is just the beginning because next year i will be a senior and the load of work that i am going to have to do is just going to get worst, at least for the first semester. After my fall semester I hope that the workload that i am going to have to do will be decreased, and that would be totally great. in other news, harry is coming up on wednesday night and i am totally excited, i cannot wait to see him. I know that it has only been a couple weeks since the last time i saw him, but you know what, i miss him and i care for him a lot. there is a bit of an age difference between the two of us, but i do not think that it is a problem, i mean, i have no qualms with him being older than i, infact i think that it helps are relationship because he is more mature than most guys that are my age. dont get me wrong, i know that every once in a while there is a guy my age out there that is very mature, but the fact of the matter is, that is less likely to happen, than it would be for me to date an older man. Anywho, while he is here for the day, i just hope to spend some time out in the sun with him and enjoy a couple of romantic nights with him. I want him to introduce him to my friends that i will be living with next year. Also i want to introduce him to some of the people that i work with. i think that it will be a lot of fun, and i generally love spending time with him, so i know it will be great. other than that, my life is going along just the way that it has been. i love that the weather has finally broken and I am glad that the summer is soon on its way. Current Mood: pleased Current Music: American Idiot album ~Green Day (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
11:29 pm	my life in a nutshell... so i havent updated in quite some time..so here is what is going on... spring break, if it werent for being with harry, it would have sucked major balls.... there is a lot of drama going on in my family right now..which is uncool! joe quit his job and has a baby on the way..what a horse's ass. mom is constantly raggin on my ass because i dont have any money. dad is so worried sick about everything that it is literally making him sick. chris and wendy just got a new van..how i dont know. drama drama drama... why dont you just go away! life at school has been pretty hard this semester. my procrastination combined with a whole lot of stress and drama does not equal a very good time with school work at all. i think that two of my five classes are lagging right now and i need to kick my self in the ass and make me do the work...what a horse's ass life with harry is going great. as of oh, about 30mins. we will have been together for 2mnths and it has been one hell of a ride. he has just recently moved closer to me.. which is totally cool. he is working in newburgh, ny, which is in orange county. any one of you hear of occ, orange county choppers... oh yah, my bf definately cooks them food at least once a month. how cool is that, i know my family will be excited when i tell them. anywho he started his new job about a week ago and he loves it and its cool that he is within driving distance now. i am going to go pick him up next wednesday so that he can come spend his day off here with me at hartwick. I think that it will be fun! we always have a great time together and it's so hard to let him go when he has to leave. especially this last time cuz i spent a whole week with him and i got so comfortable with him being around me, it was great. anywho that is my life as it now stands, all the good and the bad. take it or leave it Current Mood: the good and the bad Current Music: "It's my way..and there is no Highway option" ~The Pacifier (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
11:16 pm	the week before spring... man this week felt as though it came from hell. dont get me wrong, it went by fast, but damn.. was there alot of things to do...it's insane... i had a book to read, a paper to write, a mid-term to study for.. i dont know maybe i just like to complain. i cannot wait for this vacation to get here...damn do i need it...i'm getting to the point that i am so tired of doing anything, at all, i just need a break, even if it is for a couple days. it is better than nothing at all. speaking of vaca, i'm taking harry home with me this coming weekend. i actually believe that it is going to be a fun time. chris is goin to teach harry how to shoot a gun, cuz we do that for fun. we are goin to celebrate easter with the whole fam. then we are just going to hang out. my truck is going to get fixed..finally. and then harry and i will be spending a few days to ourselves after the visit with the fam. then it will be an early return here for me, and hitting up the homework that i have to do over vacation. hopefully i wont procrastinate and will actually get it done and not screw myself. anywho.. here is to a couple more days until vacation starts! WEEEEEEEEEEEE VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: I NEED VACATION! Current Music: soundtrack to Pocahontas...had to watch it for class! (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
5:45 pm	missing my baby... Here is a card that my baby sent me: "It isn't easy being so in love with you and not being able to see you everyday. There are times when I'd give anything just to be able to gaze into your eyes or hold you in my arms, even for a few minutes. I always feel incomplete, like a part of me is missing, when we're not together. I know that, right now, this is how things have to be, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. Everyday without you just reminds me of the joy you add to my life, joy that I'm missing..a lot. So don't forget that I love you, that I'm thinking of you, and that I'm counting every minute until we're together again." -Linda Lee Elrod My baby is so sweet...I'm missing him :-( but next weekend, i get to spend time with him celebrate easter and his birthday. i haven't seen him in three weeks....I cannot wait to see him!! I love you baby! Current Mood: one more week! Current Music: "Thank you" ~Bon Jovi (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
10:45 pm	and the last four weeks wrapped into one tight little package... so here is the summary of my last four weeks... the college life is getting ever so long and tedious sometimes. I feel as though one of my professors is pushing me more than any other person in the class...maybe it is just me..I'm not sure. Environ anthro is going pretty smoothly, I got a B+ on my first paper and an A- on my first oral presentation. Both of those grades are particularly good for that professor and that class. Bus law, well that is coming along..slowly, but its coming. I got a 74 on the first test, and much to my dismay, that was one of the higher grades in the class on that particular test. The mid term is this coming wed. and I hope that I do so much better on the midterm than I did on this first test. Advanced methods is going pretty good as well. It is a bit rough in that class because there is a lot to do, but you know what, it will give me one hell of a leg up on my senior thesis which I plan to do this coming fall semester. I want to get it out of the way so that the rest of my senior year and be something of a breaze...I hope. My directed study is going really slow..it is all my fault, I have been so wrapped up in my self for the last couple weeks, that that class seemed to take the blunt end of the stick...sorry. I hope to take this weekend to get caught up and even, ahead in my directed study. P&C of S.Asia is going great. I have missed two classes, but I swear...ok, so it was me being caught up in myself...haha.. I'm not going to lie, what would the use be? Next year I hope to hit up the townhouses with my girlies, Miche, Lizzie-Poo and Katherine. Miche and Lizie-Poo want the double and Katherine and I will have singles. I am totally excited about being in a townhouse with them. We get to decorate our "own" appartment and we get to have our "own" kitchen and things of that sort..I'm so totally excited! So..Harry and I have been dating for a bit over a month now..It has been wonderful, he is sooooo good to me. I dont think that I could ask for someone any better. He is such a wonderful man, and he takes care of me. He has no come up twice to visit me here at college. The first time was about three weeks ago, he missed the last train out of new york, so I had to go get him...What a trip and a half! I got a ticket for not being able to pay a toll on the Washington Bridge and we did not get back to the college until 8:30am the next day! It was insane.. but so much fun. The second time that he came up was about a week ago, and he staid with me for like a week...well weekend.. from Thursday until Sunday, was the time that he was supposed to be here, but then, you know what, Sunday night, I hit a deer...fucking deer anyways! And Harry, he was sooo sweet, he didnt want to leave me alone, so he staid another night, cuz he is a doll. he held me all night to make sure that I was ok. He is just so sweet.. what a wonderful man!! I love him so much.. So that is my life in a nutshell..... Read it and weep! Current Mood: thankful Current Music: anything Faithe Hill (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
10:58 pm	bon jovi... "All I have for you are these five words tonight:" "Thank you, for loving me for being my eyes, when i couldn't see" "For being parting my lips, when I couldnt breathe" "Thank you for loving me" Today is our day.. today is one month here's to closing your eyes and taking that leap into the rest of your life! Current Mood: loved Current Music: anything bon jovi (Comment on this)
Friday, February 25th, 2005
1:30 pm	and the family... So, I have been dating Harry now for almost two weeks, and it has been the best 'almost two weeks' I have ever had. At the same time, Joe told the family that he was going to be a father. *Shocking* or so I thought. The family acted as though they had expected it or something. They seemed to take it fairly well. In general I think that my parents are pretty happy, although, I think that in the back of their minds they are thinking about the financial liability that a baby will bring to my brother and Stacy. I know that they will make it, I have faith. I wish them the best of luck with everything and I cannot wait to see my new niece or nephew when s/he comes into this world. Well, since Joe decided to tell the family this, I thought that I would give them a while before I told them about Harry. Harry is a doll, he is such a sweetheart. He is one of the first guys that have treated me like a queen. I just feel so wonderful when I am around him. I no longer have to dream an unthinkable dream because it is real and I am loving every minute of it. Harry is Indonesian and I thought that my family would have a bit of a problem with that because, well you see, my family comes from a Western NY town where there are nothing but blue collar rednecks and there isn't a single stitch of racial/ethnical variety at all. So, I plan on going to Florida with Harry over my spring break which is coming up here in like three weeks, so I decided that it was time that I told the family and just let the idea of Harry sink into all of their heads. First I told my brother Joe, he was cool with it, he just wanted to make sure that Harry was good to me. Joe did not know what Indonesia was, so I had to explain. Then, I told my mother and she took it well, and she was very happy for me..which I was totally excited for. She just told me to take it one step at a time and don't rush into things because she also did not want me to get hurt. Then I told my dad, who totally throught that Indonesian meant that Harry was from India. Nope!! Close, but no cigar. I had to explain that Harry was from South Asia, not India. Dad got a bit defensive, but I guess that I would have to expect that, I am his "little girl." Then I called my oldest brother..Chris. He took it really well, I was surprised at first, but I think that it is great. Harry really wants to meet the family, so that is part of the reason why i talked to them about it. I didn't want them to be *shocked* if i just showed up with him one day and was like, Surprise!! I don't think that they would have taken it all that well if i had. In other news...classes are going well, life is awesome and I am generally loving everything!! Hope everyone else is having such a wonderful time! Until next time.... Current Mood: thankful Current Music: "The Way you Love me" ~Faith Hill (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
1:49 pm	my honey!! This is my honey talking to me: "If I could pull down a rainbow, I would put your name on it and put it back into the sky to let people know how colorfull my life is because of you" "If you see the sky, you will see sunlight. If you see my eyes, you will see love. If you see the ocean, you will see life. If you see your cell, you see someone (me) is thinking of you" Now doesn't that just want to make you hurl with cuteness!! It's so sappy and I love it!!!! That's my honey Harry leaving me text messages on my phone while he is at work, what a sweatheart! Current Mood: still on cloud 9 Current Music: "What I got" ~Sublime (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
12:29 pm	update!! EXTRA, EXTRA...READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!! and now...for a news update- Things are going wonderfully for me. For the first time in a long time, I am so very happy I swear that I could get hit by a train and still be flying high on my happiness. One of my best friends has now become my lover. I think that this is the type of thing that only happens in fairy tales and I will be completely discombobulated if i wake up one day and all of this isn't true. I casually met him about three years ago and he seemed like a nice guy. We have since, been keeping in contact through the internet (I knew there was something good about this whole net thing). A few weeks ago we decided that we should meet up and hang out, so we did. See, when I first met him he was visiting from Florida and that just was too much long distance to even think of a relationship, but now, now he lives in NY, right outside of the City. I spent the weekend with him and the wonderful City, and it just made for such a great ending to a seemingly teatious Feb. break. His name is Harry, he is Indonesian and he is such a sweetheart! IN OTHER NEWS: My youngest-older brother is going to be a father! Yes, I am going to be an Aunt again. The baby is due sometime at the end of July, early August. My birthday is Aug. 2nd, and I think it would be totally cool to have a niece or nephew that had the same birthday as I. I am very excited, but at the same time, I'm nervous too. Having a baby is a lot of responsibility and I give my bro all of my luck towards his new endevors as a father. I am also glad that he has finally told the family. There for a while I was the only person to know, and having a baby is not one of those things that you wait until the last possible moment then deside to say..."oh, by the way, I'm a new daddy." Anyways, I'm excited and I can't wait to see what the new baby brings to the family! AND THAT CONCLUDES THE NEWS FOR NOW! Current Mood: loved Current Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" ~Green Day (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
11:53 pm	brain candy... Snort some of this: Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the > > batteries Are getting weak? > > > > Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know > > there Is not enough? > > > > Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion > > stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? > > > > Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? > > > > Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? > > > > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? > > > > Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you > > throw a revolver at him? > > > > Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? > > > > Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? > > > > Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? > > > > Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes > > that something new to eat will have materialized? > > > > Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their > > Vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it > > down to Give the vacuum one more chance?(I've done this one!) > > > > Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first > > try? > > > > How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? > > > > When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a > > Shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all > > right Well, It isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you > > stupid idiot?" > > > > Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's > > falling Off the table you always manage to knock something else > > over? > > > > In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in > > summer when we complained about the heat? > > > > Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes? > > > > If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like > > your Wife told you to do it? > > > > And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up > > sky diving! Current Mood: scared Current Music: no watching 'the grudge' (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
8:34 pm	long time no see!!! so, how is everyone these days? me.. well, same old same old. it has been a very eventful J-Term. My class has been ok, but sometimes I couldnt help but find myself fall asleep during class. And by sometimes, I mean everyday. These last few days doc nienart has been drilling so much info into our heads, he is still going to teach us more stuff tomorrow, and our exam is friday. I can not wait until friday is done with. i got a new friend that i have been talking to for sometime. i'm goin to go meet him. I'm very excited. no news is good news.. and i have not got any real new news.... this is it for now... talk to you then. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
6:11 pm	oy.. it has been forever! So, it has been forever since I have seen the inside of this Live journal. The end of the semester came and went, and the beginning of 2005 has come and went. I ended the semester with plenty of good grades, all of which i was very happy with. I survived Christmas and New Years with the family. The vaca wasnt all that bad actually, with the exception of the last few days, vaca was pretty decent. I was really emotional at the annual Crane family New Years. First off, my biggest bro was in the worst of moods, and he yelled at me for a reason that was un-neccassary. Do you think that I would intentually antagonize my niece and nephew just so that I can get them into trouble? I don't think so, those kids are my life. I dont think that their parents are raising them right tho. I cant necessarily put full blaim on either of the parents individually, but i must say, my bro is the rigid father and he does have more say over the kids than my sis-in-law. No, kids dont deserve to be beaten, but when they are bad, evil, rotten little bastards, then they deserve to be spanked. I believe in that whole heartedly. I think that my niece and nephew are angels, hell i even have the tat on my back to prove it, but i tell you what...i think that it is because of their lack of disapline that the kids can sometimes get out of control, and it is hard to get the control back once it is lost. Your children are not in the military bro, grow up! Secondly, at the annual family gathering, my aunt jean, tho i dont think that she meant it, jumped down my throat as well. apparently i raised my voice to my father and she didnt like it, so she bitched at me about. I was already emotionally torn because of my brother and i just did not need to be yelled at by one more person in my family. Those last few days really made me yurn for the life I have here in Oneonta. It may not be much, but it is mine, and to me, that is all that matters. i dont like going home for many reasons and i think that the biggest one is because of the fact that i feel so controlled when i am home. it is almost like i have this invisible force that makes me do things that i really dont care for, and i do them like they are some kind of ritual of mine. while i was home on vacation i was really good about doing laundry and picking up after myself and even vacuuming through the house, a chore i had when i was a kid. I also, on many occasions, would tend to the daycare kids. i didnt think twice about my actions, i just did them. what i want to know is, did i do them out of love, because i like to help my mother, or did i do them because she has this invisible hold over me that i just cant control. i'm going to say that is the control, but it is so hard to understand. my mother helps me in so many ways, and i cant stand the fact that she does and i always feel pressured to perform for her because she does so. on the other hand, my father, who has done a lot for me, but hasnt helped nearly half as much as my mother, i love dearly and i dont feel any other obligations from him, except my own love.i dont understand the parasidic realationships that i have with my parents. it doesnt make sence to me and i often scramble a lot trying to figure it out, and it seems as though i never find any answers. i wish that there were more things in my life that i had control over. like, i feel sorry for my brother, it seems as through he has emotional imbalances, and when one emotion decides to take over another, it is as though he is unable to control his body or the things that he does. over vacation i happen to notice that the synic in my bro came out again. it seemed as though he was trying to hide a deep seeded fear or anger through his humor that came out to be a real critic and a real dick. when he gets like this he does things, such as beating on me at random times during the day, flipping me the bird, and scornfully picking on me, all in a manner that doesnt seem to make sence. he acts like a stern over aggressive child that is angry at the whole world, whether something is your fault or not. his other emotional personality is a grown man, a responsible, polite, loving and caring guy that would stop at nothing to help you and encourage you. the hurtful child is the bro that i grew up with, the loving gentleman is the person he has grown into. every once in a while that child takes over his brain and it seems like the man inside is trying to come out, but the child is stronger than he, angrier and more aggressive. i wish there was something i can do to help he snap out of the aggressive state, but when he is in it, he doesnt listen. i'm afraid that if something isnt done soon, that inner child is going to take the man's perminant place and i will lose the man that my bro grew into, leaving all of us with this abusing and annoying counterpart. for some reason i feel it neccessary to apologize to a guy that i was once involved with. here is the deal: a while back, while being friends with a guy, we both mutually agreed that we could come together and enjoy a little sexual pleasure from each other, while staying just as friends all along. we did this, and it was fine, but all the while i'm sure that i knew deep in the pits of my recesses that i would eventually get emotionally attached to him. i knew it from the git-go, still i let it go on, and the more we were physical, the more emotionally attached i got. in the end this guy got a girlfriend and i was handed the friend only card, respectfully, i would not get sexually involved with someone who was emotionally attached to someone else. at first i was spitefull, enraged, just ferious with every fiber of my being...i hated him, i even thought in my head how fun it would be to hurt him, badly. he ruined our friendship, he ruined my life. infact, it was this very instance that caused the shell, for which it took me 10years to build. I was crushed and instead of going through all of the original stages of the emotional aftermath, i skipped through the first 3 or so steps and went right to anger/rage. in a period of about a month and a half there was a lot of things that i thought and maybe even said about this guy and myself that would have made the sickest brain cringe. after that i relapsed into all of the other stages that i skipped, denial, isolation, depression, and boy was i depressed. i wouldnt leave my room, i barely did my homework and barely went to classes. i didnt laugh, cry, i wasnt angry, just sad. i can remember countless times that i laid in bed and stared at the ceiling until the tiles began to dance around in my head. i was sick and didnt see it, a close and dear friend helped me out. convinsed me to see the councelor and the pa at perella, she probably even helped to save my life. i am indebted to her because of that. now i feel as though i have done this guy wrong and i feel like i miss him as a person and as a friend, afterall if it werent for the physicality of our relationship, it would mostly be based on friendship. now i am trying to sew back together an apron string that i so abruptly cut in two. the first few chance incounters that i had with him were awkward and strange, but the more i come in contact with him and the more we talk freely, the less i feel astranged and the more attached i feel. the attachment is no longer a feeling of lust, but rather, a feeling of a moderate friendship. though i still think that what he did was wrong, leading me on as he did, i do take part of the blaim because i took too much into it, and for some reason i have this glimmer of hope that deep inside he is a good guy who needs a little help developing. as for myself, well, i am trying to take better care of myself, i am trying to eat better and get more physical in a day's time. i am trying to loss some weight, tho it is easier said than done. it seems as though every time i tell myself that i need to go on a diet so that i can feel healthier and better about myself, the diet seems to last for all of.. oh, two hours, then i fail. i'm trying to take baby steps tho. i'm trying to watch my carbs, calories and fats. i usually do pretty good, eating egg whites instead of the whole egg, eating wheat pasta instead of regular past, having salsa instead of ketchup, little things like that. i usually do pretty good, but i must say, today.. i was bad.. i had gravy and french fries, and tons of them. i had my usual breakfast of an egg white omlette with peppers and onions, for lunch i had some turkey slices with gravy, some french fries with gravy and half of a cheese and ham sandwhich. now if only i would have cut out the gravy and french fries. for dinner i had pretty much the same thing tho, french fries (and i mean a whole plate of them) with gravy, a few chicken wings and a beef fajita. none of which was good tasting really and none that was healthy for me. lets hope that tomorrow i watch myself better. as for excersise, well i have swimming, and ddr. ddr is a game console game that comes with a directional pad. using this directional pad you are supposed to try to dance the best that you can while following the instructions that they give you on the screne. this is a great cardio workout which i try to do at least once a day. since i have been back from vaca i have successfully done ddr 3x's, all of which ranging from a time of 20mins to 45mins. Swimming, well, tonight is going to be the first time that i am going to go to the pool since i have gotten back from break. my hopes are to eventually have a schedule down in my day so that i do the ddr thing for at least 20mins a day and do 45 laps at the pool. this is what i am going to attempt, along with a more rigid diet. well that is my life as it stands right now... ingest, digest and regurgitate... Current Mood: content Current Music: ddr soundtrack (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
9:08 pm	and for your entertainment.... a fun fact-find.... Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings," The proctologist called ...they found your head. Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me," Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. If you can read this.I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. Hang up and drive!! And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! Welcome to America Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
4:16 pm	Election day and beyond... Today is election day, so you know what that means....VOTE VOTE VOTE!!! With what little democracy there is left in this world, it is your duty. I am going to help one of my fellow voters to vote, I am driving her home so that she can. and in other news: The weather is starting to cool down, which is pretty fine with me, I will enjoy it to its fullest. I love my swimming class that is every other morning...it is soo refreshing and Megan is awesome. If only i could keep myself from swimming into the wall. My right arm pulls a lot more than the left, so I always swirve into the wall or the lane lines. Things are progressing as normal, slow, but at a steady pace. For some reason I am excited to see that the end of the semester is coming near. Last night I went to bed around 11pm, about the normal time for me and not an unusual time to go to bed. What was unusual about it was the vivid dream that I had. The dream was so real and it seemed to pass through my lifetime. Now I realize that dreams are like mini-movies inside our heads and that time can be compressed, but I went through my entire lifetime, from birth to death, in less than an hour and a half. In the dream I did not die at a young age,I was quite old and very much in love. I had many children and a loving husband...I was happy. I guess that I dont understand how I could go through all of my life in such a short time, there were no lapses in time or anything. It was a day to day story of my life in less than two hours. Apparently I do not have a very exciting life to talk about. The dream was so real though, one of those ones that when you wake up you dont know if you were dreaming or if everything that you saw really happened. I was quite amused by my dream. I register for classes on Monday and I cannot wait for the day to get here...I'm entirely way too impatient when it comes to those kind of things. I want to be able to get into every class that I want to get into, no if's and's or but's about it. anywho, thats all I got for now...and remember VOTE! Current Mood: tired Current Music: "You can't always get what you want" ~Rolling Stones (1 Comment |Comment on this)